Gedrel is a planet I made up in high school when we were studying ancient civilizations. I decided to take a planet and follow its civilizations from the dawn thereof into the space age. I have another SE blog challenge entry (Narrative Grammar – skip my first 2 entries, I was having brain injury fog and misunderstood what I was doing that day) w/the same planet on the eve of mass evacuation. In hs I wrote a 74 pg. book about the Gedrelians’ exploration of Earth after the mass evacuation/on their way to colonize a new planet, Djahneh. I also have snippets of some stories from a dark-ages type period back on Gedrel that I wrote at Cottey College. Unfo, when I transferred to CSU, a lot of my inspiration dried up & I stopped working on it (there’s just something inspiring about an all-female, mega academic/arts environment).

Kicking around ideas for the blog challenges has gotten me working on the planet again. Thanks for the inspiration :)!

I think the dari metaphor works very well.

Perhaps you’ve told us before, but is this a part of a longer work? Because if it is, you should definitely keep going :)

I don’t have a lot of specific comments. My overall response here is how interesting it is to compare this version with your original back in February. Much is the same — the foundation has always been here — but this latest version feels so much tighter. You’ve cut away the exposition, streamlined the flow, and made every single moment count. Very nice job.

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Sunlight played across the Djeva Sea, hitting its maze of protruding coral ridges with an outburst of color. Under the surface, bright blue bea-fruits hung between waving red and purple dari tentacles. Small yellow and orange-striped fish darted in and out of the gaps, avoiding the dari’s stings and snatching a quick breakfast before the bea-fruits could retract into their spiny shells for the day.

The remnants of the Chasm tribe were pale among all the color as they too harvested the bea-fruits, webbed hands careful of the stinging dari tentacles. Near the end of one coral ridge, Ceer felt the dari’s deep sting and snatched her hand away. The bea-fruit she had just picked dropped into the mass of tentacles and was stung from all sides. She didn’t bother to try to get the fruit back – it would be poisoned now. Ceer’s concentration was in tatters. At last night’s meeting, apprentice Keeper Ki had recounted the losses suffered in the last eighteen years, starting with the boil that had come just after Ceer’s birth. Keeper Tik had again argued for Ceer’s exile to the land. Always Ceer’s dari, Djai had countered that it would be a death sentence and would incur Melle’s wrath. Djai’s words had sounded tired though, and her thoughts disjointed. Three more of their number had died in yesterday’s battle with the Scrapings tribe; Djai’s only daughter, Ree, among them.

Ceer glanced up from her work to look for Djai, but felt her stomach plunge when she instead saw Tik shift closer. Behind Tik, Ki did the same. Cool water streamed between Ceer’s unwebbed toes as she kicked toward the gap in the coral. She could hear Ki and Tik following her. Where was Djai? Behind her, Tik laughed. They were playing games with her – her slowness was a tribe joke. At that thought, the water suddenly felt much warmer. How far were they going to take it? As she dodged toward the gap, her heart leapt – Djai was just beyond it.

Coming around the tip of the coral ridge, Djai saw Ceer gather her muscles for a massive kick in her direction. Djai felt bubbles stream from her gills in bitter rage. Witless, thoughtless girl, chosen of a selfish, vengeful goddess. Didn’t I save you when the tribe wanted to kill you after your boil? Blood sang through Djai’s veins as she watched Ceer’s smile freeze, joy changing to uncertainty. Djai reveled in her own thundering heartbeat as Ceer flushed blue with fear and silently mouthed two words – my dari .

“You stupid girl, did you think this dari couldn’t sting its own fruit?” Djai heard her own scream cut through the water as she lunged toward Ceer, Ree’s coral knife feeling small and cold in her hand. In the instant Djai brought the knife down to plunge it into Ceer’s heart, the girl started and threw an arm out to block the blow. Djai was stronger, though, and the knife still succeeded in slitting a four inch slash between Ceer’s breasts. Bright blue blood blossomed from the wound. The cobalt tang sang in Djai’s mouth and gills. Ceer’s screams were like lightning down Djai’s spine as she brought the knife down and was again awarded with blood. No matter how much I make you bleed and scream, Djai thought, it will never be enough . As she brought the knife down a third time, Ceer kicked up at the last second and slammed her knee against Djai’s arm. Too small for her hand to grip well, Ree’s knife arced up through the current and away. It was no matter. Heedless of the pain in her arm, Djai charged at Ceer and slammed the girl’s naked back into the coral wall. Ceer screamed again, higher and wilder this time as hundreds of tentacles sent poison into her skin and the sharp branches of their coral homes sliced furrows into her back. For eighteen years, Melle, you and your ’chosen’ bent my vision. Now watch your chosen die . Djai pressed Ceer’s thrashing head hard against the coral, straining to help the tentacles reach the arteries standing out vivid blue on Ceer’s neck.

Behind the motionless Tik, the blood cloud reached Ki’s gills and woke her, as if from a trance. She shoved the Keeper forward.

“Hold her!” Ki shouted at Tik. She wasn’t sure if the older woman would hear her above Ceer’s screams as the dari stung, coral tore, and bea-spines pierced, but Tik seemed to understand. She grabbed Djai and began to haul her backwards. Ki jerked Ceer away from the coral. The girl screamed again as Ki grabbed her around the trunk and towed her through the maze toward shore. Ki’s arm chafing against Ceer’s back was excruciating. Ceer kicked at the black sand ineffectually, trying to support her own weight as Ki dragged her up the beach. With a grunt, the girl heaved her past the high-tide line. Sand huffed up Ceer’s nose as her lungs kicked in. She struggled to raise her head.

“Wait – “

Ki, already hip-deep in the rolling surf, looked back.

“Thank you – “

“Tash you. Your boil killed my mothers just the same as yours.” Ki paused, as if explaining to the terminally stupid. “When Tik dies I’ll be Keeper. If I’d let you die I’d have to tell my daughters, and they would have to tell their daughters, who would have to tell their daughters how I incurred Melle’s curse upon the tribe for letting her chosen die. We’ve already been cursed by Jal for keeping you around. We don’t need both goddesses against us.” Ki spat at her, the spittle still arcing into the surf as she dove beneath the waves.

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Thank you for your help :).

Lovely! Very intense and gripping action. Keep at it!

Thank you for all of your help :).

No worries :) These exercises have no shelf life, that’s one of the beauties of the interweb.

I think you’re doing a great job with this. For me, Ceer’s POV works much better as the POV for the third paragraph — the action is much more clear to me, and feels more tense.

The transition to paragraph 4 isn’t working for me yet. The last sentence of par. 3 (about Djai-as-dari) is just complex enough that I think it might take the reader an extra beat to parse it, and that breaks the rhythm of the building tension. Then the first sentence of par. (Djai advanced on Ceer, coral knife held high) could be read as still being Ceer’s POV, and so it’s not until The girl… that we understand the shift.

I also think you might have some subtle narrative grammar issues happening here. I think Ceer should see the knife, feel confused, then understand that Djai is no longer her protector, but now her attacker. I really like the idea of Djai-as-dari, but I think it will make more sense if we have seen what Ceer has seen, rather than Djai-as-dari being a ‘teaser” for the reader.

I think the Djai-as-dari can come from Ceer’s POV (understanding too late that the dari sometimes stings its own fruit) or from Djai’s (you stupid girl, did you think the dari never stings its own fruit). That’s your call and I think it could work either way. I think that following the physical description (knife, confusion, fear) with the metaphor will make a nice build.

I like the action in par. 5 (the fight). Just watch for repetition of words like “plunge” and “stab” and “the girl.” One strategy might be to put a couple of these moments into italicized direct thoughts from Djai’s POV. For example, the current sentence [No matter how much she could make the girl bleed and scream, it would never be enough.] is a great moment, and could also work well if it were something like [No matter how much you bleed and scream, Djai thought, it will never be enough.] (Sorry if the brackets are confusing — quoting inline turns out to be tricky when italics versus non-italics are involved!)

The moment when Ceer is pushed back into the coral and stung is really gripping. and I think the transition into Ki’s POV is very nicely done.

Good job!

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Sunlight played across the Djeva Sea, hitting its maze of protruding coral ridges with an outburst of color. Under the surface, bright blue bea-fruits hung between waving red and purple dari tentacles. Small yellow and orange-striped fish darted in and out of the gaps, avoiding the dari’s stings, snatching a quick breakfast before the bea-fruits could retract into their spiny shells for the day.

The remnants of the Chasm tribe were pale among all the color as they too harvested the bea-fruits, webbed hands careful of the stinging dari tentacles. Near the end of one coral ridge, Ceer felt the dari’s deep sting and snatched her hand away. The bea-fruit she had just picked dropped into the mass of tentacles and was stung from all sides. She didn’t bother to try to get the fruit back – it would be poisoned now. Ceer’s concentration was in tatters. At last night’s meeting, apprentice Keeper Ki had recounted the losses suffered in the last eighteen years, starting with the boil that had come just after Ceer’s birth. Keeper Tik had again argued for Ceer’s exile to the land. Always Ceer’s dari, Djai had countered that it would be a death sentence and would incur Melle’s wrath. Djai’s words had sounded tired though, and her thoughts disjointed. Three more of their number had died in yesterday’s battle with the Scrapings tribe; Djai’s only daughter, Ree, among them.

Ceer glanced up from her work to look for Djai, but felt her stomach plunge when she instead saw Tik shift closer. Behind Tik, Ki did the same. Cool water streamed between Ceer’s unwebbed toes as she kicked toward the gap in the coral. She could hear Ki and Tik following her. Where was Djai? Behind her, Tik laughed. They were playing games with her – her slowness was a tribe joke. At that thought, the water suddenly felt much warmer. How far were they going to take it? As she dodged through the gap, her heart leapt – Djai was just beyond it. Ceer started to gather her muscles for a massive kick to reach her, but stopped short. She had never considered that Djai-as-dari could sting fruit as well as harvester.

Djai advanced on Ceer, coral knife held high. The girl had the audacity to look confused as she flushed blue with fear. She had bent Djai’s vision for eighteen years. Ceer had been Melle’s from the start, and Melle was never to be trusted. In the instant Djai brought the knife down to plunge it into Ceer’s heart, the girl started and threw an arm out to block the blow. Djai was stronger, though, and the knife still succeeded in slitting a four inch slash between Ceer’s breasts. Bright blue blood blossomed from the wound. The cobalt tang sang in Djai’s mouth and gills. She brought the knife up again and stabbed, this time plunging the knife deep into Ceer’s forearm. The girl cried out but it only added to Djai’s lust. No matter how much she could make the girl bleed and scream, it would never be enough. She brought the knife down a third time but Ceer kicked up at the last second and slammed her foot into Djai’s stomach. Djai dropped the knife in surprise, but it was no matter. Heedless of the pain in her midsection, she charged at Ceer, slamming the girl’s naked back into the coral wall. Ceer screamed again as hundreds of tentacles sent poison into her skin and the sharp branches of their coral homes sliced furrows into her back.

Behind the motionless Tik, the blood cloud reached Ki’s gills and woke her, as if from a trance. She shoved the Keeper forward.

“Hold her!” Ki shouted at Tik. She wasn’t sure if the older woman would hear her above Ceer’s screams as the dari stung, coral tore, and bea-spines pierced, but Tik seemed to understand. She grabbed Djai and began to haul her backwards. Ki jerked Ceer away from the coral. The girl screamed again as Ki grabbed her around the trunk and towed her through the maze toward shore. Ki’s arm chafing against Ceer’s back was excruciating. Ceer kicked at the black sand ineffectually, trying to support her own weight as Ki dragged her up the beach. With a grunt, the girl heaved her past the high-tide line. Sand huffed up Ceer’s nose as her lungs kicked in. She struggled to raise her head.

“Wait – “

Ki, already hip-deep in the rolling surf, looked back.

“Thank you – “

“Tash you. Your boil killed my mothers just the same as yours.” Ki paused, as if explaining to the terminally stupid. “When Tik dies I’ll be Keeper. If I’d let you die I’d have to tell my daughters, and they would have to tell their daughters, who would have to tell their daughters how I incurred Melle’s curse upon the tribe for letting her chosen die. We’ve already been cursed by Jal for keeping you around. We don’t need both goddesses against us.” Ki spat at her, the spittle still arcing into the surf as she dove beneath the waves.

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Thank you for your help :).