Harris laid his hands on the intricate metal handles and pushed open the door. Over the gold rug, chairs were set haphazardly around a boardroom table. As he walked in, sensor circuits transpared the huge picture window until he could see the great and silver buildings of the city.
I did this exercise 21 years ago. The point then was clarity. Now I might add some hints about Harris’s mood: perhaps his pupils expand, or his cheeks flush. There again, I think some of his awe comes across in word choice, e.g. he ‘laid’ his hands on the handles–which, to me, implies a pause, a significant moment. And ‘great’ carries a fair amount of weight. Now, too, I would probably fix the repetitive sentence structure of Over the gold rug, chairs… and As he walked in, sensor…
Posted by: Nicola